An Introspective Look at "My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness"

'SUP, NERDS?

The candy-striped cover of My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness caught my eye this summer. In that moment I knew I had to get my hands on this manga. My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness is the most relatable story I've read in a long time-- minus the lesbian part. Please allow me to explain how it came into my life at the right time.

tldr; MLEWL

Author and artist, Nagata Kabi, uses this manga as a reflection of her depression and how social anxiety impacts her life. Nagata begins the narrative after high school:


Nagata dropped out of college quickly and worked a slew of part-time jobs, in hopes of being unconditionally accepted by others. Her depression spiraled and it became difficult to even hold a part time job. Over some 10 years it took Nagata to find herself by stepping out of her shell and admitting she really wants to make manga and that she fancies women. A little braver than before, Nagata hires an escort and divulges the details of losing her virginity and the joy of accepting herself.

It's Not About Sex

Although Nagata and I come from completely different backgrounds, I feel like we completely understand each other. She managed to achieve her goal of making the story relatable by keeping every bit honest. If a detail is a little fuzzy, she tells the reader and moves onto what she does recall about her past.

Putting the soft art aside, I found myself sharing in Nagata's pain through her words. This isn't a story about being a lesbian or experiencing a slew of mental health illnesses-- it's rather a tale of a woman with a prolonged coming of age. My heart ached and I admittedly cried nearly the entire time I spent reading this book.

Select Passages That Spoke to Me

Although I try not to get deeply personal with this blog, I think it's best to exercise some self-reflection in order to be honest, like Nagata, for myself and you too, of course. Throughout this entry, I selected a pages that I feel comfortable sharing and elaborating how it relates to my life now.

For a while now I've felt unloved-- which I realize is clearly not true. If you found yourself reading this blog, you're more than likely a friend of mine supporting my creative efforts. Thank you. I appreciate it.You are so precious to me.

I want to make all of you happy. I'll do anything for you, provided you are my friend. But I really can't promise that anymore. In the process of trying to please the world, I've compromised my own happiness. I haven't been the real me in a long time.

Somehow I was brainwashed by the world when I graduated high school and thought that in order to become a respectable person I had to follow a certain path to be happy. I chose a very comfortable route. I'm tired of being comfortable.

It wasn't until earlier this year I identified that I've left good bits of my soul behind to feel safe. That sucks. To retrieve bits of my soul, I've been making huge changes in order to improve my everything.

By changing nearly everything, I'm the happiest I've been in ages. I can't remember the last time I've felt this free. I removed myself from the magnifying glass of society from which I was being burnt under by the sun of shitty expectations. Taking small strides to learn to love myself and work on what I  want to do has lead to a major improvement in both my physical and mental health.

It wasn't until about a month ago that I figured out I didn't love myself. And I've been working hard to correct that. I want to be the kind of person I looked up to when I was a child. That seems to be the right path no map can guide me through.

So, yeah. I love you. And hopefully you'll keep loving me as I be me. I think I'm starting to find my own sweet nectar.

LATER, DWEEBS!

I promise the next entry won't be so depressing. I'll go back to being a cheerful, Loverly Liz.

"Casablanca" BLEW MY MIND

'SUP, NERDS?!

Me going to a movie I want to see for the
first time in FOREVER.

So I have this awful movie watching complex. Either everyone has already seen a movie before I get a chance to visit a theatre or nobody wants to go with me. When it comes to watching movies at home, the conditions must be right for me to dedicate my full attention.

Growing up, I've probably seen the entirety of Casablanca in small pieces due to my father's affinity for classic films. It wasn't unusual to hear the ringing of "As Time Goes By" from my parents' bedroom on any given day.

A couple years ago there was a special showing of Casablanca in a local theatre... nobody wanted to go, so I allowed that to dictate the decision of whether or not I watched it. Stupid, right? Determined to finally watch this classic in celebration of its 75th anniversary, I took the scary plunge of entering the geriatric ward of the cinema all on my own.

Casablanca is definitely worth every bit of hype. I'm not going to spend my time summarizing the movie, so Google it or something if you're not familiar.

Not a Moment is Wasted

I've observed that many people don't give older movies a chance because they're "boring." I gather many don't give films during the Golden Age of Hollywood a chance because of a lack of flashy action and actually having to rely on character dialogue to gather a sense of what's happening.

I'll take a ride with Humphrey Bogart any day...

For being an "old, boring" movie, Casablanca is busy with little rest between scenes. With so many subplots and supporting characters, there was no time for me to be bored as refugees hustle to escape while the powerful & corrupt manipulate them. Rick's flashback of Paris is the only break from the scurry of the city and his cafe, which is vital to introducing Ilsa and explain Rick's character. The lack of fluff I consider to be the strongest aspect of Casablanca.

I find it hard to focus while watching movies is simply because of poor pacing. I'm going to sound like an ass and potentially dismiss the creative endeavors of filmmakers, but there are far too many pictures that waste my time with scenes that don't contribute to the story. Like, montages can majorly suck. A montage is not an inherently terrible storytelling device, but I feel they're sometimes abused and can overstay their welcome... this is just one example of how a movie can lose my interest for a period.

The Art of Cinema

Rick's profound sadness is amplified by darkness.

As much I would like to defend every "old, boring" movie that exists on the planet, there are plenty of lackluster films that exist from the Golden Age. I like to consider myself a student of film and felt spoiled by the artfulness of Casablanca.



It's difficult to make dramas feel interesting. Good editing and cinematography carries this dialogue driven story. The camera fit as much reasonable action as it can in the frame (take note: a fantastic way to make every second of a movie worth it). I don't know how much Casablanca is considered film noir, but some of the best shots in my opinion occur in the darkness of the cafe, especially when beautiful Ilsa's face is almost always illuminated.

With the challenges of using single camera, I'd say 99% of the movie has superb audio editing, with an occasional jerk in dialogue to continue the action in a new shot. This jerkiness comes with the hurdles of technology, so I can't really hold this against the editing team.

Some films benefit from a constant source of ambient noise and background music, but I like how Casablanca sparingly used music. The performers featured in the cafe provide the bulk of the soundtrack much like you would hear musicians in a small venue. Music holds the viewer's hands through a journey of emotion, however the absence of bold music amplifies the meaning and significance each time "As Time Goes By" is played.

The Most Conventional Unconventional Ending

If you're not rooting for Ilsa and Rick to be together by the end of the film, do you even have a heart?? Although I claim to have basically seen the entirety of Casablanca, all I knew was that Ilsa manages to leave, but didn't know with whom. The suspense of the climax made me question if Rick or Laszlo would board that damn plane!

A busy frame makes a happy Liz.

I think it's honorable Rick puts Ilsa and Laszlo before himself. This ultimately secures his status as a "good guy." Shooting a Nazi on the other hand, marks Rick a greater hero to the film than Laszlo, who dedicates his life off-screen to stopping the Third Reich. Although it's unfair to compare the heroism of these two men, Rick's determination to make a decision than stay neutral demonstrates tremendous character growth.

tldr; My Mind Was Blown

In no way do I think this film is overrated, but hopefully I demonstrated why I think Casablanca is good. I haven't seen a movie crafted so finely in a long time. Of course, I bawled once it was all over and I didn't know what to make of it. This is when the fun of character and story analysis comes in!

Who are your favorite characters? I loved Captain Renault due to only covering his own ass by scummy methods. He and Rick share similar goals, but Renault approaches the situation as a "corrupt bureaucrat" (his words, not mine). I'm glad Renault became a bit of a hero himself by choosing to not arrest Rick and we can only assume he starts living a bit more of an honest life.

Do you think Rick and Ilsa belong together? I don't have a good answer... but I think Rick makes the most realistic and respectful choice.

Does Casablanca live up to the hype? What are your thoughts?

LATER, DWEEBS.

This is quite possibly the best snap I have
and ever will produce. Plz appreciate it with me.