"Rogue One: A Star Wars Story"... more like "I'm a bored one!"

'SUP, NERDS?!

Jumping from the Star Wars prequel trilogy to Rogue One, there is a huge leap in quality and style. Many people explained that Rogue One is the first modern Star Wars movie that breaks from the safety net Episode VII created-- a common criticism of the first entry of the new trilogy for too closely resembling Episode IV.

"A movie can only be good if it looks nice and things go
BOOM!" -Jyn Erso

I don't want to say that Rogue One is a bad movie, but I think it's lacking a lot of qualities that make me think of Star Wars. Perhaps I may be naive because for being a total Star Wars n00b, but I think Rogue One is boring and lacks depth.

Who are they??

My biggest issue with Rogue One is that there are no outstanding characters. I couldn't figure out or remember the name of the protagonists, except Cassian somehow stuck out to me. I'd describe the other characters as "the girl who developed daddy issues" and "the monk guy." Referring to the trusty Wookieepedia, I familiarized myself with the names of the characters just for you. There were probably a few other protagonists that played a great supporting role, but they aren't memorable enough for me to bother mentioning.

Who are these dweebs and why should I care??

I do love K-2SO, who in my opinion has the most character out of anyone despite being a robot. His smart-assery made me giggle, the insane statistics he spews is wonderful comic relief. It's a shame he has to die.

The Visuals

I do want to give the folks who animated Tarkin a mega-high five because their work blew my mind. It wasn't until after the movie my friend revealed that Tarkin is a character from the original trilogy that was animated for Rogue One. I didn't even realize he was computer generated due to not having the knowledge he was played by an aged actor in the original movies.

On the other hand, Leia who is shown briefly at the end, looked a bit funny to me. Even if you haven't watched Star Wars, the odds that you can name or recognize her character is pretty high. Is it her iconography that made her appear uncanny? Or was less work put into her than Tarkin because she was on the screen for just a split second? What do you think?

Aside from the CGI characters, there's not much else to comment on. The backgrounds and environments look wonderful. We've come a long way since the prequel trilogy.

Lack of Impact

I understand this is a preface to Episode IV, but I don't think Rogue One holds much meaning to a viewer who hasn't watched the entirety of Star Wars. Looking at the story as an outsider, there is a lot of information that relies on watching the others, therefore the film isn't impactful to someone like me. As a stand-alone movie, it feels like a generic sci-fi movie with no payoff.

Is he gonna shoot?? Ahhh!!!!

I upset my friend, who considers this the best Star Wars yet, because I commented that "I don't feel engaged!" about an hour in. It's not until Cassian and Jyn go to Eadu that it remotely "feels like Star Wars." Jyn's interaction with her dying father was very human and one of the more emotional scenes. The story felt very personal and the mood shifted at that point.

The Ending & Residual Corn

The sequence where Jyn and Cassian retrieve the Death Star data is pretty cool. The stakes feel high and I was biting my lips because I wanted the two to escape so they could fall in love, make babies, etc. Unfortunately they die-- and pretty much everyone who supports the effort dies in the final act. I wasn't a big fan of the ending, but I admittedly felt some "feels."

A few things rubbed me in the wrong way, but two particular moments #triggered me: the blatant name-dropping of the movies. The final scene of Rogue One is corny because Leia calls the Death Star plans "hope." If this line was approached more cleverly, I think I would have appreciated this nod to A New Hope, but the line fell flat. The same goes for when Cassian names the party "Rogue One." When a movie is named after a specific line of dialogue, it can either enhance the meaning of the movie or feel like an awkward "nudge and wink" to the audience. I strongly feel the latter.

IN CONCLUSION

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story isn't a bad movie, but it's very hollow if you aren't deeply invested in the series. Maybe if I try watching it again after finishing the original trilogy, I may appreciate it like everyone else. It fails in a sense because it's not welcoming to newcomers and there is no reward.

Me knocking out all these nerd-movies.

The next entry is going straight into the heart of Star Wars... yes, I finally got around to watching Episode IV again. CAN I TELL YOU THAT I'VE NEVER BEEN SO EXCITED TO WATCH A STAR WARS MOVIE IN MY LIFE????? I hope the torture of watching abysmal movies is over!

LATER, DWEEBS!

Loverly Liz

Star Wars Episode III: Rebound of the Sillygoose

'SUP, NERDS?!

Much to my joy, I finally finished the shitty Star Wars prequel trilogy. Since Episode II wasn't too bad, I was actually a bit excited to delve into III. It is certainly the strongest prequel entry when it comes to conflict and action.

THE GOOD

I hadn't realized the immense gap between the prequel films until I had to fact check myself while writing these blogs, referring to both the Wookieepedia and IMDb. They were released three years apart from each other, which is comparatively slow to current film franchises with multiple movies released within a year.

There was something about Grievous that struck me as cool... not quite sure what it is though.

The CGI drastically improves in Episode III, which was just enough for me feel emerged during various action sequences. One of the most dazzling sequences being when General Grievous wields and twirls four lightsabers. Moments like this felt like a real Star Wars movie to me, even if it's far from being an authentic entry to the saga.

Another awesome scene is when Mace Windu fights Palpatine. I wouldn't necessarily consider it good scene, but rather it's funny. Palpatine's rapid transformation into the wicked Darth Sidious is delightfully cartoonish, especially when Mace is disposed by "Palpa-dious" with such delight. I'm humored by Samuel L Jackson's plight to be put in the new trilogy, especially after how Mace Windu was ridiculously killed.

THE BAD

The only problem with the awesome graphics of Episode III is that I think George Lucas took the liberty to add scenes for the sake of using said graphics. I was particularly peeved by Obi-Wan and Anakin's duel. It could have taken half the time to create an epic fight for the sake of coolness and make the point that Obi-Wan feels like he failed Anakin and his inner-turmoil and ultimate decision to slay him.

All flash and very little substance.

Graphics aside, it makes no sense that the Jedi Council would be so willing to give Anakin to aide Palpatine in the first place, especially when they fear Palpatine has ulterior motives. The council allows Anakin, who they've always feared would be susceptible of going to the darkside, to spy on a shady politician... For Jedi to be so highly revered by society, they are sure wise enough purposefully not-purposefully fall prey to the Sith!

THE UGLY

Everything about Padme's pregnancy is wrong. I was unconvinced that she was bearing twins, especially since she doesn't look like she is 40-something weeks pregnant for even one baby. Not to mention, the poor girl was downgraded to some awful pregnancy gowns. Nobody should watch the birthing scene without a hazmat suit and welding mask, the cringe is that strong. I thought Padme was an intelligent woman, but she died because she was disappointed in a dumb boy.

Speaking of dumb boys, I've concluded that Anakin is a mega-bitch. Why is it necessary for him to kill all those widdle Jedi Younglings? I understand he is supposed to be the epitome of cruelty and you could argue that this is another demonstration of his evil, but if Palpatine isn't directly killing children, who is more wicked? For many people to consider Star Wars a family-driven franchise, the purposeful death of children in the prequels makes me uncomfortable since it feels awfully gratuitous.

IN CONCLUSION

Episode III has both its good and bad moments, but it could have been just a half hour shorter and I would have had a much better experience. When it came to the third act, I was bored and starting to doze off because nothing happened for the sake of visual effects.

I do appreciate Anakin's rebirth as Darth Vader juxtaposed with Padme's death and the birthing Leia and Luke, despite it being the worst scene of the movie. Hopefully, I'm not over analyzing the prequel series... but I think Anakin's downfall is from a succession of poor decisions because he's awful at managing interpersonal relations. I guess he was too weak to become a Jedi because WOMEN ARE THE TRUE SOURCE OF EVIL!!!!!!! That is George Lucas's true message from the prequel trilogy he wishes to impart upon the masses.

Next time I get to pick apart Rogue One as I continue to chronicle my first-time Star Wars experience. Let's hope I'm doing this Star Wars thing the right way..!

LATER, DWEEBS!

Loverly Liz

Star Wars Episode II: The Ambush of the Cringe

'SUP, NERDS?!

After experiencing the train wreck that we call Star Wars Episode I, I felt somewhat prepared for the impending doom of Episode II. A few thoughts raced through my mind:

Could this film be any worse?

Is it still a children's movie?

Do things actually happen?

Do the characters have emotion?

Will there be action?

 Ganna missa see moar racist charatahs?

Despite such questions, worries and doubts, Episode II did not let me down whatsoever. Episode I made me uncomfortably laugh, while II was filled with uncontrollable laughter!

The Good

I'll keep it brief, but I need to say this again: PADME HAS THE COOLEST COSTUME DESIGNS. Can we all give Trisha Biggar a huge round of applause??? Looking at her IMDb page, I'm shocked she hasn't been hired for more work after these movies because not only is Padme's clothing on point, but the entire world is well-dressed.

Everything about this rainbow dreamsicle dress screams
"YAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSS!!" in mybook

With the prequel trilogy being so weak compared to the other Star Wars films, the costuming really helps ground this story in reality. It's one consistent element in a production filled with error and confusion. Trisha, if you are reading this, please adopt me as your Padowan. Good job.

Gushing aside, Episode II makes great leaps in the story from Episode I.  I like that Padme and Anakin are older and can function as autonomous human-beings. Although many don't see it as a positive point, their melodramatic love story was particularly entertaining to me. Anakin was especially uncomfortable-looking each time he interacted with Padme. I find it funny that Padme's outfits become progressively revealing and she acts oblivious to most of Anakin's moves, questioning why he acts like such a love-sick buffoon.

I keep forgetting Boba is a clone... creeps me out as I think of
his relationship with Jango being his dad. Cloning is icky.

With a limited knowledge of the original trilogy, I was fascinated by the clones and the origin of Boba Fett, being the only clone to live a (dare I say) "normal-ish" life. Jango's choice to make Boba his carbon-copy son without any weird genetic modification intrigued me. I know nothing about Boba but he's a bounty hunter that works for Jabba. I look forward to see what happens to him.

The Bad

Nobody has any personality, except maybe Obi-Wan. Not much changes in how the characters develop between the first and second episode. One fine example that highlights the lack of personality is at the beginning of the movie. Padme's decoy dies in a violent explosion and nobody reacts. SERIOUSLY. Although she's just a "fake", she is still someone the main characters have known for years. I would imagine they have some sort of bond or relationship.

Did I fail to mention how bad the "Force Lightning" is too?

We are also introduced to Count Dooku in Episode II. I couldn't take him seriously because I had the image of the Deku Tree and Saruman burned into my head. In his defense, Christopher Lee does a wonderful job playing antagonistic characters, but I want to know what the hell is going on with Palpatine's skin. He is super pale... I wonder why. This totally isn't a sign of evil!

The Ugly

About halfway through the film, we see Anakin's mother die, who was clearly tortured by her capturers. The way she dies is unrealistic and her condition appears as if she could recover with immediate treatment. Anakin's reaction is ugly as he slaughters an entire village, including their women and children, without remorse or consequence. Maybe I could consider this as his first act of malice, but there is no such concept of a gradual introduction to the dark side.

I can accept that Anakin's ma weirdly dies, but Padme doesn't? During what should be an EPIC finale, turns out to be an offensive and ill-thought conclusion. The escape from and Jedi slaughter in Geonosis really made me question how much George Lucas likes and respects women.

Padme is first tied in chains (which I heard is a reoccurring theme in the other movies) and then she gets her entire back sliced open. After such brutal violence, Padme doesn't even flinch as she performs some sick gymnastics to escape with Anakin and Obi-Wan.

Does Padme bleed? Is she actually injured? I appreciate that she's the only character whose clothes get ripped in battle... and those nipples are always so erect in that white little number she wears.

Why would Jar-Jar be allowed
to have a political opinion if we
didn't want him to even breathe??

Once our lovable trio escapes, the Jedi army arrives and we are finally introduced to female Jedi?! I was thoroughly convinced that there were no female Jedi until they were all killed. Quite frankly, I'm pissed that the entire Jedi council is composed of males. Considering there is plenty of alien representation, I would suspect there would be a couple of wise and powerful women in their league.


If I'm pulling some weird feminist bullshit out of my ass, feel free to smack some sense into me. But at least give this thought a chance: If there are no women in the Jedi council, how does Jar-Jar become a  member of the senate?

IN CONCLUSION

Episode II is a great improvement upon Episode I. We get a story, see a decent amount of action and there is a good-because-it's-so-bad romance. It's no perfect Star Wars film, but I did receive some sort of enjoyment out of this one. My hopes are a bit higher for Episode III. Not all is lost, except the hope of some proper female representation in the final entry of the prequel trilogy.

LATER, DWEEBS!

Loverly Liz