Star Wars Episode II: The Ambush of the Cringe

'SUP, NERDS?!

After experiencing the train wreck that we call Star Wars Episode I, I felt somewhat prepared for the impending doom of Episode II. A few thoughts raced through my mind:

Could this film be any worse?

Is it still a children's movie?

Do things actually happen?

Do the characters have emotion?

Will there be action?

 Ganna missa see moar racist charatahs?

Despite such questions, worries and doubts, Episode II did not let me down whatsoever. Episode I made me uncomfortably laugh, while II was filled with uncontrollable laughter!

The Good

I'll keep it brief, but I need to say this again: PADME HAS THE COOLEST COSTUME DESIGNS. Can we all give Trisha Biggar a huge round of applause??? Looking at her IMDb page, I'm shocked she hasn't been hired for more work after these movies because not only is Padme's clothing on point, but the entire world is well-dressed.

Everything about this rainbow dreamsicle dress screams
"YAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSS!!" in mybook

With the prequel trilogy being so weak compared to the other Star Wars films, the costuming really helps ground this story in reality. It's one consistent element in a production filled with error and confusion. Trisha, if you are reading this, please adopt me as your Padowan. Good job.

Gushing aside, Episode II makes great leaps in the story from Episode I.  I like that Padme and Anakin are older and can function as autonomous human-beings. Although many don't see it as a positive point, their melodramatic love story was particularly entertaining to me. Anakin was especially uncomfortable-looking each time he interacted with Padme. I find it funny that Padme's outfits become progressively revealing and she acts oblivious to most of Anakin's moves, questioning why he acts like such a love-sick buffoon.

I keep forgetting Boba is a clone... creeps me out as I think of
his relationship with Jango being his dad. Cloning is icky.

With a limited knowledge of the original trilogy, I was fascinated by the clones and the origin of Boba Fett, being the only clone to live a (dare I say) "normal-ish" life. Jango's choice to make Boba his carbon-copy son without any weird genetic modification intrigued me. I know nothing about Boba but he's a bounty hunter that works for Jabba. I look forward to see what happens to him.

The Bad

Nobody has any personality, except maybe Obi-Wan. Not much changes in how the characters develop between the first and second episode. One fine example that highlights the lack of personality is at the beginning of the movie. Padme's decoy dies in a violent explosion and nobody reacts. SERIOUSLY. Although she's just a "fake", she is still someone the main characters have known for years. I would imagine they have some sort of bond or relationship.

Did I fail to mention how bad the "Force Lightning" is too?

We are also introduced to Count Dooku in Episode II. I couldn't take him seriously because I had the image of the Deku Tree and Saruman burned into my head. In his defense, Christopher Lee does a wonderful job playing antagonistic characters, but I want to know what the hell is going on with Palpatine's skin. He is super pale... I wonder why. This totally isn't a sign of evil!

The Ugly

About halfway through the film, we see Anakin's mother die, who was clearly tortured by her capturers. The way she dies is unrealistic and her condition appears as if she could recover with immediate treatment. Anakin's reaction is ugly as he slaughters an entire village, including their women and children, without remorse or consequence. Maybe I could consider this as his first act of malice, but there is no such concept of a gradual introduction to the dark side.

I can accept that Anakin's ma weirdly dies, but Padme doesn't? During what should be an EPIC finale, turns out to be an offensive and ill-thought conclusion. The escape from and Jedi slaughter in Geonosis really made me question how much George Lucas likes and respects women.

Padme is first tied in chains (which I heard is a reoccurring theme in the other movies) and then she gets her entire back sliced open. After such brutal violence, Padme doesn't even flinch as she performs some sick gymnastics to escape with Anakin and Obi-Wan.

Does Padme bleed? Is she actually injured? I appreciate that she's the only character whose clothes get ripped in battle... and those nipples are always so erect in that white little number she wears.

Why would Jar-Jar be allowed
to have a political opinion if we
didn't want him to even breathe??

Once our lovable trio escapes, the Jedi army arrives and we are finally introduced to female Jedi?! I was thoroughly convinced that there were no female Jedi until they were all killed. Quite frankly, I'm pissed that the entire Jedi council is composed of males. Considering there is plenty of alien representation, I would suspect there would be a couple of wise and powerful women in their league.


If I'm pulling some weird feminist bullshit out of my ass, feel free to smack some sense into me. But at least give this thought a chance: If there are no women in the Jedi council, how does Jar-Jar become a  member of the senate?

IN CONCLUSION

Episode II is a great improvement upon Episode I. We get a story, see a decent amount of action and there is a good-because-it's-so-bad romance. It's no perfect Star Wars film, but I did receive some sort of enjoyment out of this one. My hopes are a bit higher for Episode III. Not all is lost, except the hope of some proper female representation in the final entry of the prequel trilogy.

LATER, DWEEBS!

Loverly Liz